My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler: A Collection of One Night Stands

Skinimax for readers!

I'm not the biggest Chelsea Handler fan. I watch Chelsea Lately occasionally but that's about it. I haven't seen any of her traditional stand up. She seems to have a dry sarcastic sense of humor which I have to be in the mood for. But, I happen to really enjoy her writing. She compiles books from a collection of chronological short stories. Each book is based on a theme, and each chapter is one story start to finish. It is the perfect type of book for busy people who only get a few minutes here or there. Its satisfying to be able to pick up your book, not remember what the last thing you read, and it not matter.

I call it Skinimax for readers because it is a little naughty, but completely harmless. I get to peek into a life that I never had and live a little through Chelsea vicariously. I have had a ridiculous few first dates and no one night stands, so I love to read about all the fun I missed in my youth. My favorite story is the one where she ends up trying to crawl through her kitchen window while wearing a giant green M&M costume (not on Halloween) SOMEHOW, an ex boyfriend finds her stuck half way, ass out, green tights, no panties.

It is a fun guilty pleasure book for ladies who don't like cheesy romance novels. If your favorite character in Sex & the City is Samantha-- Read this book!

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith

I first discovered this author about four years ago when one of the guys I worked with brought in a book called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I thought it was a cool title and he said that it was a fun book, full of zombies, ninjas, and Jane Austen. Odd, but so are my some of my favorite books. I wanted to read it, but I didn’t give it much thought after that day, just telling myself that I would read it some day. Years went by and I finally read it- loved it! I wanted more of this creative author. Since I loved the book, Mary: Mrs. A Lincoln by Janis Cooke Newman, I was stoked to see he wrote one about Abraham Lincoln being one of the world’s greatest vampire hunters.

Overall impression—LOVED IT! Buy it, borrow it, check it out from the library. This is NOT a book about teenage lover boy vampires, but real freaking Bram Stoker vampires. One huge plus for this author is that he does not write for one gender. Both men and women can read his work and appreciate it for different reasons. History buffs will like that most of the people that were important in Abraham’s life, make their appearances in this book. Albeit, differently than you might think. People who were killed by disease and tragic accidents, meet up and close with vampires. These sad deaths shape Abraham’s life from early on to make him want kill every vampire in America. Seth Grahame-Smith mingles American history and Sci-fi perfectly, starting with one of America’s most intriguing mystery, the disappearance of the Roanoke settlers. For those who forgot, the first attempt at settling the new world did not go well and there is no confirmed explanation as to WHY. A group of people came over, set up a small community, and disappeared with no trace. There are a few carving in some trees, but beyond that—nothing. Damn vampires… Fast forward to Abraham Lincoln’s time, vampires have figured out a nice legal system to buy blood through slavery. They have made their presence known to some of the slave traders/owners in the south. The vampires bargain to buy slaves instead of hunting the owners and their families. So a few people (Lincoln and some of his friends), try to end slavery to dry up the blood supply.

Seth Grahame-Smith tries to keep the spirit that ending slavery was ALSO good for equal rights, but the book loses a little of the enormity of how awful slavery really was. Which in retrospection is probably a good thing since it is a huge bummer. The book has been picked up for a film, and in my opinion, screen writers, directors, and editors usually butcher a good book amazingly well. So until I see it, I promise to be hopefully optimistic. Please please don’t ruin it! Release date is set for June 22, 2012.

One big beef with this novel, and it is a BIG problem for me, is the engine for the entire novel, Abraham’s secret journal. The author has bits of journal entries from a secret journal containing all references to Abrahams vampire hunting- mingled in with the story. I’ve read some of Abraham’s speeches in school, and some of his biographies. He lived a long time ago, people spoke differently, wrote differently, and used different words that we do now. His journal in the book just doesn’t SOUND like him, so I lost some of enthusiasm when I got to those parts. There are tons of them too, sigh. Even with that, the author does an AMAZING job of mingling two genres together. It is his gift, and I can’t wait to read another of his novels, some day.

Jacob's Creek Reserve Chardonnay 2008

I tend to drink chardonnays and pinot noirs more than other wines. Chardonnay when I want a white wine, pinot noir when I want a red. I don't believe that only white goes with chicken/fish and red only with red meat. I switch it up all the time... Rules are meant to be broken!! Jacob's Creek is a wonderful example of a lovely, light chardonnay. I bought this one from my local grocery store, Publix, for under $15. I can't remember what the EXACT price was, but I remember being pleasantly surprised. I've bought a lot of California chardonnays, but my sister-in-law Melissa told me that she usually buys Australian chardonnays. I saw this one, liked the description of the front, and took it home. "Wow", was my first reaction, followed by "smooth."

Here is a little info from their website, www.jacobscreek.us

Region:

Adelaide Hills

Colour:

Brilliant pale yellow with touch of green.

Bouquet:

A genuine cool climate style. Restrained lemon blossom aromas and

tropical notes are definitely merged with classy French Oak which adds subtle toasty, nutty characters.

Palate:

Beautifully balanced with a taut lemony acid structure. The palate has

excellent length, weight and texture.

Release date:

May 2011

Alcohol:

14% alcohol by volume

On the whole, I agree with their assessment. It is well rounded, smooth, with enough acidity to keep it from being cloyingly sweet. It might be great with food, but honestly, I drink it by itself. For those who don't like buttery chardonnays, please try it. This would be a great wine for a first timer... Not too adventurous, not too plain. Plus, it has a metallic screw cap, instead of a traditional cork. Some might think that looks cheap, but there is good reason to use these new tops. First, they are MORE effective at keeping a good wine GOOD. They don't get dry and flaky if stored for improperly. I miss the "pop" from pulling a cork, sigh... but I'm happy for the poor cork trees.

Quotes I want on me forever...

I've been looking at tattoos online to decide what is next for me. I came across some lovely literary tattoos-- people LOVE Vonnegut's- So it goes. One of my favorite authors is Neil Gaiman, I will always think of my days in college when I read his books. A few people had some of his quotes inked on them, and one in particular is my favorite, "Could it be that the heart that you seek is no longer my own? ...I have given my heart to another." I might shorten it and put it on the back of my shoulder blade. I also found another that describes me better than anything else in all of the novels, poems, and short stories I've ever read, "He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times." So true... I used to scare the pants out of my classmates in elementary school by practically yelling at them. I've gotten much better... I still get really loud when I get excited or tispy...